A mother? Never ever did I think...

I never wanted to be a mother.

My mother never wanted to be a mother.

I took her attitude and built on it. She felt, and was, trapped by us children in a marriage to an abusive, manipulative, alcoholic womaniser. Two weeks after my birth she was back at work, her safe place.

I grew up with an internal vow: I will never be trapped. That's why marriage was never a big goal for me; I had things to do, places to be, a big world to explore. When I became a Christian at 21, that didn't really change - I was out to experience as much of the world as I could, see places, do things. I did begin to serve God, but on my own terms: in my strengths, as a marketer, through work, in my friendships. Not in ways that would require real sacrifice or inconvenience.

Children have always been, to put it mildly, an inconvenience in my view. They are needy, endlessly so, and whenever I would visit friends with kids I saw them as annoying interruptions to the (adult) conversation. I've never babysat other people's kids. I would (politely) tolerate them when visiting friends' houses, since that was where they lived - but if I'm honest, I didn't visit those friends too often. Much easier hanging out with fellow single and/or childless friends. I remember one friend in Winchester, mother of two or three small kids, who looked after her kids full time. I saw what her days were like and thought, if I had to live that way I would die from mental boredom. What dullness, endless, daily, unrelenting drudgery.

There have been some kids I enjoyed. Also in Winchester, one couple with lots of kids, I loved being at their place. Their kids were smart, easy to talk to, polite, well-mannered. (They were also years older than the previously mentioned friend's, obviously). I admired their parenting and thought, if/when I grow up enough, this is what I want too. But I didn't honestly think I could do this - I haven't experienced healthy parenting and, simply put, I just wouldn't know how to do it.

That is my background. Years of walking with God have diminished my worst fears about getting trapped. Even five years ago I would never have given up my work and entwined my future with a man's. Depended on his provision. Cast myself at his mercy. I've grown to trust God more since then: I know I'm always at his mercy, and he is merciful.

Still - if I didn't trust my man as fully and implicitly as I do, if there was any doubt, any insecurity, I would never have done it. I believe that's why God gave me this particular man: reliable, solid as a rock, committed. He's many more things than that, but I needed those as foundations to trust him.

A year on since from our marriage I'm now facing what is, to me, the ultimate renunciation of everything I stood for before I knew Jesus. Attitudes I carried into my Christian life, that had to be purged slowly and gently; and they are still being purged. I'm going to be a mother.

Baby at 12 weeks. This is inside me...!

Self-improvement, self-induced guilt, and what really matters

I suck at self-improvement.

I can't stick to things when the only reason I do them is to 'be better'. Be a better blogger and post more often? Exercise daily? Roll on Janathon! Except, I didn't roll with it for long.

Just sitting around being good enough today.

Clearly, commitment isn't a problem. There are lots of commitments in my life which I regularly keep: I'm holding down a job, walking the dog daily, keeping my home clean. Loving my husband, of course. Eating vegan.

I do none of these things just for myself, though: and that is the difference. After thinking long and hard about why I failed at Janathon - and I will point out that the exercise was mostly a daily thing and I've even started running a bit! It's the blogging that didn't work out because I didn't have enough to say... - and the answer is, I did that to 'be better'.

A drive to be better [thinner, fitter, ...] = self-induced guilt.

This drive comes from an assumption: I'm not good enough. Why do I have to be better, in the first place? And, if I commit to something and I become [better, thinner, fitter] then will I be good enough?

And who is the judge of good enough, anyway?

• I'm already good enough for my husband. He is delighted with me. 
• I'll never be good enough for God, that's why he sent Jesus and because of him, I am completely acceptable to God. A delight, even.
• My dog thinks I'm the best thing ever, I'm his favourite person.
• Those I work with assure me they think I'm doing a fine job.

So if those who matter in my life all assure me I'm good enough - a delight, even! - then why do I keep trying to self-improve? What matters: that vague sense of not-good-enough or the true, tested, sincere assurances of those who matter to me?

Of course I'm not saying it's a bad idea to try and be the best you can be. I just know that for myself, I have to carefully examine the motives behind any drive to 'self-improve' - because it's giving in to the not-good-enough assumption, and when I fail at the self-improvement effort of the month, I've signed up for self-induced guilt.

No, thanks!

Janathon Day 10: oh heck, it lasted a week

... the consistent blogging, that is. Because on the exercise front I'm not doing so badly!

Day 8: a good long-ish walk - maybe 2 miles - as I was still in pain.

Day 9: 7mi walk!

Day 10: short walk again of about 2 miles.

Janathon Day 7: walking in a world of pain

I have 5 miles walk to report today. Yay!

They were not walked fast, but part was a very steep hill with lots of steps and I'm just glad to have done anything at all - five miles is a major accomplishment with major cramping going on in the belly. [a monthly, debilitating issue]

At one point I was sure I'd just bend over and throw up. But I didn't. My legs somehow continued on autopilot and got me home eventually.

Where I curled up on the sofa and waited for the day to end ;-)

Goodnight.

Janathon Day 6: in which I delegate my workout

I had a great workout planned for today. Two great workouts in fact!

One, I was going to do day 1 of Couch to 5k. The weather foiled that plan - and I seriously do blame the weather, I was dressed to the shoes and ready to go. And then the heavens opened and stayed open with only minor interruptions. I make no excuses: fair weather only!

Lots and lots of housework came next, and I did that. Felt great making a dent in the load.

I walked Fred for two miles, at least that much I did: still a Janathon member with that I hope!

But the main workout I had masterminded: shifting 10 25kg sacks of coal! I did that once before and it was a major piece of work. Today our new load arrived and I was going to get it in.

Aaaand then... the cramps arrived! A monthly problem, nuff said. And with that, I was out of commission for the rest of the day and Mr. got the workout when he got home. Grr.

Janathon Day 5: more unintentionality

Because it's the weekend, that's what I say.

I shall plank again this evening when Mr. walks the dog. Yesterday's planks actually didn't go all that badly, they just hurt. like. crazy. I hate those things. Gravity is the worst! That said, today's plan involves them again - front planks, side planks, transitions....

The only other exercise I've had today was running around for about an hour with the dog at Flyball, but even though that gave me a sweat and got me out of breath I don't feel it was really enough.

Mr. has mentioned he'd like to go running with Fred. (he can just run, without any training - because he cycles to work every day) - so I'm thinking of doing the Couch to 5k programme to get some semblance of running ability. Got the app; now all I need is the willingness to get off my arse tomorrow!

Weather better be good...

Janathon, Day 4: screeching it in at the last minute

...but at least I'm doing it!

No, that's not how I plank.

As the day has gone by without any exercise at all, the only way I'm able to keep to my commitment is to do it now, just before bedtime.

Answer: PLANK!

When Mr goes out for Fred's last walk - which will take about 10 minutes - I will use that time to plank until I fail. And then plank again. Front plank, side plank, superman plank... I won't stop planking until he gets back, even if that means staying up for five seconds at a time. Man, am I hardcore or what??