Tuesday, 27 May 2014

What I should and shouldn't tell my husband

Yesterday my Mr. and I spent some amazing quality time talking deeply. I relished every second of it.

Today I thought about it some more - about the things I said to him. I shared my fears openly, things I have thought about, plans for the future and feelings of right now. I've had deep friendships before, but there has never been any other person I have felt able to be so completely open with, to lay everything bare in complete and utter trust.

[Aside: I don't refer to my husband as 'my best friend'. In my mind, that description falls so far short, it just doesn't come anywhere close to describing this relationship. A friend is something I share a bond with, I may love them, I may know them well; but my spouse and I are one in essence.]

I need to learn which layers
of the onion that is me
are helpful to share.
Anyway, after thinking about it today, I don't think everything I shared yesterday was a good idea to share with him. I'm still a novice at this marriage thing, so I have a lot to learn; and one thing I have yet to find good balance on is what I do and don't tell my husband.

He is, after all, only human - and no matter how open I am with him, he can't truly get into my mind to put in context what I'm saying. (oh for a Vulcan mind meld!) So when I told him, for example, that I didn't know what to do if I found our child's personality unloveable - that wasn't helpful. Yes, I've idly mused about it, but it's not a true worry for me. When I said it, however, I could see concern in his eyes and even as he tried to reassure me I knew I couldn't backpedal and take the words back, though I'd have liked to. He didn't need to hear this, it's not a true worry that occupies my mind, and now I fear I've planted a worry in him unnecessarily.

If I could have shown him my whole mind, with this particular thought in context, I would have done and he could have dismissed it for the fleeting, silly musing it was. But words skew things. Once I've articulated something it has been put out there and has become defined - even if before that, it was just a vague idea.

Johari Window
In short, I've got to remember that my Mr., though wonderful, is only human and the only person with whom I can truly share all the stuff is Jesus. That's because he has the context, as he knows my inmost thoughts (Ps. 139) - he knows what's big and what's small in my world and my words can't skew his perspective.

In the good old Johari window, God has the overall view, seeing things even I don't know. My Mr. knows what I tell him as well as lots of blind spots I'm sure to have, but he can't know what neither I nor others know, and there are parts of me in the 'hidden' frame that he doesn't need to know. And that is not about withholding part of who I am from him - as I say, all of me is his to know. It's only respecting that he is a fellow human being, with the same limitations as me, and the loving thing is to carefully weigh my words before dumping it all over him and leaving him with worries and burdens he needn't carry.

For myself, I need to cultivate the mental discipline to stay away from the unfruitful mental rabbit holes I can sometimes get stuck in (Mr. is great at not doing that!) but instead dwell much more on 'whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, excellent' (Phil. 4.8) in my own mind, and be a source of strength, joy and encouragement to my man.

1 comment:

  1. We don't love our kids primarily because we see something loveable in them, we love them BECAUSE they are our kids.

    Do you think God saw something loveable in you? NO! He saw a helpless, Hell-bound sinner yet He still chose to love you, forgive you and call you his child. This is the God we serve and who we are to model to our kids. Yes, your child will seem unloveable at times but you choose to love them anyway because we know what it is to receive unconditional love and acceptance!

    Jesus tells us to love our neighbours as ourselves - this includes our kids! But we can only truly do this by the power of the Holy Spirit living in us.


Thanks so much for sharing!